to a love

please don't go away from me
please, when my anger rolls over you like a thunderstorm and the rain blocks out the sun
Please still see me
when i shutdown and go away inside of me , underground
please love me and come to find me
when i awaken chilled and afraid from a nightmare filled with scenes from the past
please be there next to me to soothe me and to hold me
me the hateful one
I the frustrated one
me the sad one forever being that sad girl
please don't go away when my roller coaster of emotions has exhausted you
please remember me laughing and free
when we first met, that was me ,the real me
please don't forget that girl , brown eyes, goofy smile, holding your hand, that's me
when i am afraid ,please come to me , please look for me, please come and find me
when i scream that i don't love you when i say that i hate you , please don't remember
please always have the ability to forgive me on the dark days and share with me all my sunny days , because i do , always love you

REWIND

he sits in his cell every day building his own world in his own mind
he goes through the motions again , and again if only, i want to go back, i want to hit rewind
so many times he could have turned that corner, so many times he could have said no
in prison his mind is free, in there he travels to places he's never seen, he hits rewind
back to the beginning , back to the hood , back to dad getting drunk , momma in crazy mood
back to hanging with his sister , she 's crying cuz she's scared, he goes back , way back
he's building his life over with blocks of knowledge and blocks of pain , he hit's rewind
he remembers smells, leaves burning and walking through them and the feel of running
playing with his brothers in the sun , thinking of ways to get up , to rise up, he goes back
he's seen so much , he could fill a book , he could be a teacher , he could go back
he thinks of his friend, that he lost, he got shot,he goes back to that day standing outside the funeral, it was a cold day , he goes back to the days that they laughed and they hung out , he hit's rewind
in his cell , he is alone with just him and his memories, sometimes he just wants to go back
at the end of the day he lays his head down and prays that the truth he shall find, he hits rewind

FERN

my brother will stand before you october 23d for sentencing. my other brothers and sisters, we have all been waiting for this day, more than five years for this one day. I have prayed for him , we all pray for him we all believe in him , all 7 of us. I thought alot about what I was going to write you . with so many unspoken and unknown things about my brother to say I held myself to only taking up one sheet of your time to tell you about my brother. I feel I am writing the letter of my life , a letter for a life. We are all very close and eachothers best friends and we are all survivors though it was a hard life from the beginning for all of us , I guess you can say we all made it except for Fernando , for some reason he was the one who fell through the cracks and ended up in a gang very young and paying a very high price for it. many times I have thought about the day we were all separated and I think , If I could take that day way would he be where he is today? I could change the past would the present include my brother in my life, in all of our lives?
We come from an abusive past and much poverty. My father was and still is an alcoholic and drug addict. He was very abusive towards us and to my mother who was and still is mentally unstable. We led a very secluded life and he controlled everything in it.It was really hard for all of us.In our house we kids held eachother together, we supported eachother through everything bad that was happening.The older ones took care of the younger ones. Never enough food often no heat or electricity, never enough of anything except for the unending abuse. I am the oldest , my name is Karina and I'm 33 , my brother and I are about 10 and a half years apart but very close. He went in right after his 18th birthday and just turned 24 oct 3rd in prison.
The summer that I turned 15 my sister Lily ,she is 32 now, ran away from home. When my father reported her as a runaway, she was, after about a week, picked up by police. When they tried to take her back home , she told them everything. I remember at the time I felt like I was the weak because I was angry at her for telling. Can you believe that? I knew instantly that our lives were going to change , that they were going to take us all away and separate us, who wants 8 kids? My sister told them about the beatings, the sexual abuse against me and her, that was the hardest having to talk about that. My father abused me sexually from age 3 to age 15 and my sister also. What kept me alive during those years was the love for my brothers and sisters. Soon after , DCFS came and much to my horror , only took me and my sisters and they left the boys. I will never forget that day, I never will. How my brothers cried when they saw us being taken away , our belongings thrown into a black garbage bag. They didn't understand what was happening. They had to stay there with my abusive father and mentally unstable mother , they didn't get to leave. Over the next couple of years I was in and out of foster homes as were my sisters, the boys suffered tremendously without us and bore the brunt of the abuse now that we were no longer there. I feel that all those years of heartache, mental and physical abuse led to my brother seeing the gang as a way out, a way to escape. He became involved with the gang at about 13 years of age and it just continued from there . My dad continued with his drinking and could never hold down a job , often taking money from my brother to buy food for mom and thew boys, it was an incredible amount of responsibility for my brother to shoulder but him being the oldest he felt he needed to provide, needed to do something.
I just wante to tell you these things because I am afraid that you will see him as a cold-blooded man that does not care about anything or anyone because that is how he has been prtrayed in the papers just by him having been in a gang. He is young still but he has been through more turmoil, more abuse, uncertainty, more loss than most people will ever experience in their whole lives, we all have. We are survivors , and we believe in him. We believe that there is still time for him to turn his life around. I know that he can be a good member of society.I know that he has it in him to one day lead a good life.Please give him one chance.Please let us all be together again one day, like we once were.We won't let him fall again. I promise you that. We all made it and we want our brother to make it too. I know that there are many victims in this story and beyond this story. My brother , no matter what, is a victim of his own life and a victim of the gang epidemic too. Everyone loses here , everyone has lost here, nobody wins. I beg that you can see beyond all that's been presented to youabout him up until now, I know that it's not good, I know that it's alot. I beg that you see him as a person that still can be a functioning member of society, someone that still deserves a chance. We love him, he's a good person, don't let his life go to waste in a prison forever. Please don't throw him away. I pray that one day he gets his chance to live becuase while he was free he never did.

from the book , THE SECRET

TODAY REMEMBER THAT EMOTION IS ENERGY IN MOTION. AS YOU FEEL EMOTION , YOU LAUNCH POWERFUL ENERGY THAT BRINGS LIKE ENERGY BACK TO YOU.

THE SECRET.

many times i open that door again and I climb the stairs to the beginning of my pain. Sometimes it happens on it's own with me fighting it all the way. I try to picture beautiful things, people I love , like my daughter to block out the hurt, the pain , the memories. I try so hard and still the hard stuff comes through , making me see and feel once again all those terrible things that happened to me, that i went through. So many times these emotions steal my tongue , obscure my vision and cloud my heart so that i can't live a happy life , emotions and memories that have held me prisoner in one way or another all my life . Yet , i am so thankful that all this has never taken away my ability to love. There people in this world that i truly love and that have loved me back and that is why I am still here.

you called today
i was silent and listened politely
you talked of change and all things new
i sat there dumb, thinking sweet things about you
you talked of your new romance
my silly heart sank , there goes my chance
you asked how i was
i gave you a vague idea of my life
I have a pet now, and i am a wife
you congratulated , what else to do
i listened to you
i listened to all your noise , your fading voice
i found a place for me and i hope you find a place too
for my sake and yours too
this is what we were both always searching for , wasn't it?
a man, a woman, to shelter us from ourselves, a place to hide from our storms.

bad love

i wish i had wings to fly me away from you
wings that wouldn't betray me and bring me back to you
when you push me to the floor , inside i promise i won't ever love you anymore
time and time again , i find myself in the same place , it's my own weakness i can't face
why can't i just walk away on my own two legs that brought me here in the first place
i keep on living and working and cooking and cleaning and praying and wishing
you are so angry inside , if only i could reach you to get you free to be with me
you are someone else sometimes, someone that likes to hurt me , I can't breathe
in the pit of my stomach , i know the truth and i'm afraid , please hold my hand
i remember when i thought our love was the strongest in all the land
so naive , so blind I am afraid of your dark corners and my dark dreams
I know I can't go back with you , i have to fly away from you and I can never come back for you

fern

Yesterday i was fine tuning a letter that I'm sending to the Judge that will preside over my brothers sentencing oct 23. i can't stop thinking about him. I cant stop thinking about the fact that i have dealt with my pain by trying not to think about him. guilt. regret. thats what im feelin. powerless. he's so beyond my reach right now and I'm feeling super sad about it. Damn. I wish that things were different , that they hadn't turned out this way . I'm going to post the letter on my blog . I am also going to post the letters that my other brothers and sisters wrote. i think that these letters are going to be so important and man, they really , really say so much but not enough, never enough.

A SPINNERS DREAM

with my head down and eyes ahead, i pick up speed
nothing matters now, all that you said, all that shit in my head
I am spinning away, away from you
I am flying fast, past the past
nothing matters anymore
the wind holds my body, my legs are strong
miles i go, so far away, i tell my mind i won't ever stop
I am invincible to the pain that you gave and your words a rush in my ears, i can't hear
the things that hurt me I can't see
I've left you behind and you won't ever catch me
I push my body, i challenge myself
I will never be there again
I will never be weak again

jolena

I love you so much, promise mw we'll always keep in touch
when you grow up and stop needing me when you fall will you call?
now , when you dream i smooth your furrowed brow , you so small
I hug you to me so warm , you laugh at something i say
you write me letters and draw me pictures when i am grumpy or sad
you tell me i was born to be an artist, and to always have a happy place
you are so special , you don't even realize
before you , i was on an edge in danger of falling and then you came
you saved me , from me
you put your small hand in mine and you always trusted me, you've always loved me
what a special girl you are , i love you always my sweet baby girl

when, and then

when i see you again , cuz i know i will
will there be words to say or just an empty space to fill
unsaid words and tears and fears, where we were all these years
when i see you again , because time is bringing me there
closer to you and where i used to be
will we be unattached, and free
when our fingertips meets again, thoughts joining again
when we sit next to each other again
i know i'm gonna smile that young girl smile followed by a young girl laugh
as we talk, two long lost , for a time forgotten , put away lovers
when i see you again , and then we will see

sueno

still so angry , so hurt , did you think that i forgot already ?
my feelings are still so ugly, raw , like porn
i pretend every day that this is my life but i am torn
i get up in the morning and play the part of a mended heart
i smile , see me ? I was broke but now i'm fixed
i threw it all away, all the pictures, everything i wrote , every little note
i walk around fooling everyone , even him who stupidly loves me
i am an imposter in my own life , i don't belong here, how did i get here?
in my dreams sometimes , i get to see you but it's not the same
i'm always coming back to you , and you accept me so it hurts when i wake
if only life was a dream and and the dream was my life and i felt no regrets

secretos

So much conflict with one another
It's a silent fight , were noyne wins
I love you sister, I love you brother
We don't eversay what we really want to
Each one is afraid to make the cut
Afraid that the blood won't ever stop
Afraid that the scar will heal
The anger and resentment is all so real
The walls just keep getting thicker and thicker
Soon the key to peace will never fit into the door of forgiveness
Still noyone is sure what needs to be forgiven
Turning a blind eye?
Pretending to be sleeping as she lost her soul?
Not running to her when she was losing her mind ,
I love you brother , I love you sister but we never say what we really want to

mama sweet

choices that mama made
things time will not change
wounds that life cannot heal
I still remember, I still can feel
your hand on mine, I can still hear
you, mama, telling me , please stay here, stay near!
I wanted to be your friend
I searched for the right words to say
To make the fear in your eyes go away
I didn't know how, I didn't know the things that I know now
A flash in my mind, a feeling of pain, deep inside
My hand to your face to soothe the pain, to cover the bruises
It was a battle with domestic violence and we were destined to lose
I love you mama, I remember when you held your head high
I still can see you dancing alone , dancing young, dancing free
You laughing once and reaching your hands out to me
I remember you crying at night, I was a child but still, I asked God , why?
I remember, before you left , all those times that you wept
I didn't want to see him hurting you, I tried to drown out your screams
Our life together still haunts me in the quiet spaces, in my dreams
Oh mama, if only we could have held hands and run away
I would have run until the end of the world with you, I love you
I would go back and rescue me and rescue you, I would carry you
Mama, I still remember you.

nina

esos dias que te abrasan el corazon
por las lagrimas que salen por dentro
por las palabras que no se dicen
por los malos secretos
manos frias, sol que no da calor
una nina sola que llora su amor
por el hombre que triasiona
otra vez y otra vez
por el dia que oyistes la mentira
por esos ojos que siempre miras
aunque tu cierres los tullos
siempre la voz de tu amor
que te sige llamando , y llamando
si pudiera olvidarte

mujer de colores

a mi no me gusta que me hechen mentiras ensima , como piedras a mi corazon desnudo
no quiero que mi amante me abra las heridas tras mis ojos donde corre ese rillo que nunca se a secado desde el dia que llege a este mundo , duro, frio, sola
odio que me deje a mi el que amo, odio que lo que siento por el
yo quiero arohar mis sentimientos por la ventana de mi alma y les quiero decir que nunca regresen esos sentimientos , triadores
yo quiero admitir que estoy loca de la mente por dentro por fuera, que vivo en mi mundo, en mis suenos, no estoy donde tu estas, no miro lo que tu miras , com tu lo miras
por eso , los que me aman nunca me comprenderan
estoy hablandolos secretos de mi vida, cuando pongo los colores en papel blanco
azul, y negro, rojo, anaranhado, amarillo, azul y negro otra vez y otra vez
estoy gritando mi historia de una montana con flores en mi pelo y sangre entre mis manos cuando escribo mi vida en papel blanco, estoy gritando,llorando como una mujer violada pero nadie me escucha mi alma, mi presencia es de los colores mas vibrantes del mundo pero nadie me mira, soy invisible

truth be told

I wake up to you standing by my bed
today I wake up , can't sleep , can't rest in my head
I hear every noise, i'm always waiting , waiting
I don't believe in anyone , i'm always fighting, fighting
you told me lies and said i was yours , that i belonged to you
don't think , don't see, don't feel , don't fight , you
i felt so ugly, who would ever love me?
all my shames , worn on the outside , a scarlet letter
i always wanted to go back , back to my mothers womb
to be a child, to be pure, to be new to be light and clean
Afterwards you made her wash away your sins, how could you?
how did you live with you, shame the child , kill the soul, mar the heart
in my eyes, was pain so bright that it would blind the one who noticed me
in my life i have met some who wanted to pull me from despair
some who cared to love me , those who wanted to be there
my shame wouldn't ever let me be free, accept understanding and love
i still hear her, that child inside, she cries , I can't shut out her crying
she won't give me peace , she wants me to hold her forever, forever