forbidden love, always and forever

All i need is just a little bit of time to say
I always loved you but I never could find a way
I needed you too but I just wouldn't let me reach to you
and i let you go , how cruel of me, to never say...
that i think of your smile every day , and that thoughts of you
were flashes of light, hot, in my heart, they made me alive for instants at a time
that I know how you smell in the morning and that I still dream you , with me
holding me , holding us, listening to you singing in my ear , offkey, for thee
that i still close my eyes and feel you next to me , running and running free, me
I just need a little bit of time, before they take me away, to say
you were always too special to me, for me, I always wanted you
But I never got to have you

alcoholic love

Why can't you see how this hurts me?
your addiction is my affliction, my hands are tied
Remember that night, I cried, and when you lied?
You forget me , you don't know me , you hurt me
I want to pull you to me , I want to control you
I try to kill your need for alcohol, I try break through
When you see clear you love me, I think you do
I get so sad , when I see I 'm losing u, losing me losing us
U make promises in the morning , I know you'll never keep
I try to pick u up but you are too heavy for me to carry
You laugh when I say this time will be the last
life is rushing by, I'm losing this battle , times passes so fast
please, if you love me fight, please, if you love me , let go
Your addiction is my affliction and my hands are tied
My heart slowly dying in the middle of me, u , and alcohol.

la novia

today is the day , you give me away
you my sweet , good confidante
you gave me everything that i could want
when i fell, i always looked for you
today is the day you give me away
today , i put on my wedding dress

confession

a child afraid , alone , heart like stone
i used to hide behind the door , i wished i was invisible
hit me with a belt,punch me, slap me in my face , leave me crying in disgrace
tear away my walls as i cling to myself , tear me apart
i couldn't hold onto anything , i couldn't hold onto me
i promised god every nite that i'd be a good girl if he would set me free
i wrote happy stories and drew pictures of horses to make me feel safe
put my head in a pillow so i don't hear the death of my mother
i don't want to hear her dying inside, crying , hurting , jagged
i see the fear in the eyes of my brothers my sisters , love
i hold them , i am little but i wish myself big for them
nobody knows how we hurt , i ache when i remember when,
he touches me , slowly girl dying , i hate him, i want to kill him
he hurts me , but i can't cry, i don't feel anything , i am nothing

SHE SO LOVING , SO KIND, HER LOVE FOR ME IS BLIND
MY LITTLE GIRL , SHE GIVES HER TEDDY A TWIRL
MY LOVE FOR HER IS BOUNDLESS, BUT I AM A MESS
UNABLE TO REACH OUT TO HUG HER, THIS LITTLE FLOWER
SHE HUGS ME, NOW WITH HER HEAD DOWN, EVERY TIME
NOT KNOWING HOW I WILL REACT, SO QUICKLY SHE LEARNED
I FEEL GUILTY OF RECEIVING LOVE , I HAVEN'T EARNED
HURTING FROM A BAD TOUCH , I SHUT MYSELF OFF
SO MANY DAYS AND NIGHTS, NOW IT'S OVER
I WANT TO LOVE HER , I DO BUT IT'S SO HARD TO SHOW HER
EVERYDAY I REMIND MYSELF HUG YOUR DAUGHTER
EVERYDAY I AM THANKFUL, I PROTECT HER
NEVER KNEW I COULD BE SPECIAL
NEVER KNEW THAT ONE WORD, MOMI, COULD HEAL ME
I AM FREE FROM THE PAST WHEN SHE HOLDS ME
THE CHAINS FALL TO THE GROUND AND I'M FREE

secrets

I am new to this. I am not computer savvy or anything like that , I'm pretty simple. I just want to put that out there before I embarrass myself in any way. I started this blog accidentally really , and I still really don't know what I'm doing. I hope that it helps me and maby other people. I know that I am writing about things that are very hard to write about. I am a surviver. At least I tell myself that every day. I was physically and sexually abused from the age of three to the age of 15. The sexual abuse is what I feel has scarred me for life. It's something that at times stays quietly in my past , other days it's screaming to be heard. Just when I think that I have forgiven , I feel anger all over again. I take it out on those closest to me , then hate myself for it. I am 32 years old now. I have never felt complete or completely happy. I know that I give it power, the past that is by letting it still hurt me now. I want to change that. I want to talk about it. I want to be heard by others like me.